Caring For An Elderly Parent, Aunt or Uncle

Looking after an elderly parent or relative is not an easy task and it takes a lot of attention. It can also become very stressful.

This article may help guide you with caring for an elderly relative, hiring health care aides, dealing with elder care agencies, and the importance of having power of attorney.

My dear Aunt just passed away at the remarkable age of 98. I know she got that far because she was a wonderful person who was kind to everyone she knew and was giving to those she didn’t know. Someone like that needs to survive as long as possible for the sake of a better world.

However, the last few years were not easy on her. She was finding it difficult to get around and needed help. Her mind was sharp and she knew what she needed to do.

She hired aides on her own several years before I took over with guiding her. She was a very trusting woman and people took advantage of her because they saw that she never thought a bad thing about anyone.

This trust has lead to really difficult times as the years progressed. You may never know if people are taking advantage of an elderly relative until it’s too late.

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A time came that she asked me to take over and help her with her affairs. I loved her dearly and was pleased to offer my assistance.

Some people place an elderly relative in a home so they are taken care of by people who dedicate their life to elder care. I couldn’t do that for two reasons...

(1) She wished to live out her remaining days in her apartment.

(2) She still had a clear mind and it would be silly to take her away from her happy life despite the fact that she herself said she lost her quality-of-life as her body deteriorated.

So, I helped with everything to maintain her well-being. I paid her bills and managed her health insurance. I handled the budget so that her social security and pension payments covered her expenses.

I used to visit her once in a while throughout my adult life. But in the past few years I was visiting her almost every week to help with affairs that continuously crept up.

When I took over I discovered that her stockbroker purchased investments that guaranteed income but lost the principle. She had insisted on having income to cover her expenses. And that is exactly what they did for her. But they couldn’t care less about the outcome. They were making money from commission and my Aunt trusted them. They told her at her age she needed to have secure income. So she had income-producing investments that were losing value over the years and she never knew it. She was just looking at the income, which stayed consistent.

I tried to explain to her “what good is it if the investments pay 10% dividends if the value of the principle drops.” I never could convince her because she had an advisor who said it doesn’t matter if the principle goes down to zero. It will still pay out the 10% dividend. She couldn’t look past that stupid remark because she never really understood investing. I basically left her investments as they were rather than upset her. But I made sure the total of all her income covered her living costs. That’s the main requirement if the plan is to avoid going into a nursing home. As long as the aides could be paid she could stay in her apartment.

I would visit and bring food for lunch on weekends. Many times she invited one or two friends of hers and it would be like a party. I enjoyed chatting with her friends and getting to know more of her past. I found it strange how little I knew about my own Aunt while growing up. I only wish I had taken the opportunity to talk with her about things that happened in her early life. My Aunt was a holocaust survivor and held a lot of secrets that she didn’t want to talk about. But I feel I was at fault for not pushing for information. It would have helped after her death, as I had never imagined how crazy it was about to become.

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As I mentioned, she had previously hired aides to help her get around.

They took her to the grocery store, to the beauty parlor, museums in the city, to the park on nice days, to the doctor when she had appointments; well you get the picture.

But she trusted them too much and I discovered problems with almost every situation.

Dealing With Health Care Aides

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Her aides went shopping for her and she needed to take cash out from the bank to pay what they needed for groceries, staples, etc. I noticed that the requests for cash were steadily increasing.

They took advantage of her by telling her it’s because of inflation. She was always so gullible and believed everyone. This made it even more difficult for me when I told her I had to put a limit on how much cash we are taking out from her bank account.

One of the aides was always listening in on her phone conversations. My Aunt was becoming hard of hearing so she needed to use the speakerphone rather than hold the phone to her ear. Of course the aide could hear everything.

One time my Aunt asked me how she was doing with her finances. She was worried that she was running out of money. Aides are expensive. You’re lucky if you can work out deals around $12 an hour. This is not live-in. They work their shift and go home. Live-in aides are cheaper but then you need to share your home with them entirely. My Aunt only had a one-bedroom apartment.

Anyway, I had to answer her question on the phone in such as way that wouldn’t scare her. I didn’t want to give her a heart attack. So I said “Your doing fine. You have enough money.” Well, the aide heard that and I think she told the other aide that they could get more out of us because within days both asked for raises.

After I told them we have already negotiated and we also have a tight budget, they began increasing their purchases of staples and food. None of which could be accounted for. My Aunt couldn’t have been eating so much and using so many of the items being purchased. They must have been taking them home for themselves. This is something that needs to be monitored carefully.

Over time my Aunt started complaining that one of the girls was yelling at her and losing her temper. I guess she was frustrated that she overheard me on the phone and thought she could get more money. I had to make changes and quick.

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I knew I needed to get new aides who I felt I can trust to take care of her.

First of all I needed to get it clear in my own head what I expected of them. So I created an elder aide contract that I would have the new aids sign so we all knew what to expect from one another.

The contract had to make it clear, with a full understanding, that the aide is an Independent Contractor.

An important clause in the contract would also specify the work to be performed by the health care aides. This is what I wrote for that clause...

The Patient and the Independent Contractor agree that the Independent Contractor will perform the work as Home Health Aide with the following Elder Care Responsibilities: (1) Provide patient with help moving in and out of beds, baths, wheelchairs, or automobiles, such as for transportation to doctor appointments. (2) Personal Care such as dressing, grooming, and maintenance of hygiene. (3) Administer medications as instructed per “Technical Direction” below. (4) Preparing healthy meals, Local Errands & Shopping.

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Now that I was prepared to find better aides, the time came that I needed to fire the two aides causing trouble.

I needed to find a better agency. I did my due diligence by asking for references and also doing Google searches to see if anything negative could be found.

On the Internet you can also search for court judgments on companies and on individuals. These are important steps to take.

I hired two new aids and it took some time for my Aunt to adjust to them. That is to be expected. But after a warm up period she ended up loving them.

No one is perfect and one was better than the other. Ironically one day early before dawn the better one called me and asked why she was being fired. I was shocked to hear that question and I told her if anyone were doing any firing, it would be me.

It turned out the agency told her not to come back and they were sending another girl that morning. I called and yelled at them. How dare they switch people like that and expect my elderly Aunt to be comfortable with a stranger all over again. And without warning!

I told the agency that I want the girl to stay and I mentioned that I already told her to ignore it and come in as usual.

My Aunt could have died from heart attack...it was so difficult to have her accept the last change. I didn't want her to go through that again.

I found out later that the agency tried to fire the aide because they make more money placing her with another elderly person. The first week with a new client needs to be paid twice. One to the aide and one to the agency. So by moving them around they get more of these extra payments. Not all agencies get paid extra for the first week. But it is something to check into.

Importance of Power Of Attorney

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There were a number of times that I hit brick walls when trying to help her.

Once I had to call her credit card customer service to discuss a problem. They didn’t want to talk to me because they didn’t have my Power Of Attorney on file.

It does no good to have a General POA because banks don’t accept that. Banks usually want one to file a POA with them using their own paperwork. So I had to do this many times, over and over, with everyone I needed to communicate with. Each time it required dragging my elderly Aunt to the bank to get it notarized.

I even had to go to court as one of the aides I fired had sued. The court clerk did not accept my General POA because it did not include litigation rights. I could not litigate for my Aunt.

I told the court clerk my Aunt was 97 (at the time) and the clerk didn't care. She told me my Aunt still had to come in herself. And if she didn’t she would automatically lose the case.

Needless to say, I purchased and downloaded a new POA form from one of the many good legal form sites you can find with a Google search. I pushed her in her wheelchair to the bank again so that she can sign the POA and have it notarized.

The actual developments with the lawsuit are enough to write a whole separate article. If you want to see how that went in court, see my article "Elder Care Aide Sues 97 Year Old Woman In Court" below.

What else is involved helping an elderly relative?

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There is so much more that can go wrong and needs to be dealt with. My Aunt passed away in 2011 and also I wrote about my experience with following her wishes. Hopefully these articles listed below will help anyone who is going through the same thing helping a parent or other relative.

• Elder Care Aide Sues 97 Year Old Woman In Court
• Scattering Ashes, A Loving Farewell
• How To Probate a Will When There Are No Blood Relatives

Copyright © 2010 Glenn Stok