Finding Old Friends - Good Friendships Never Die

Good friends are hard to come by and when they are good people too, it’s a shame to let them go. There are things that happen in life that can cause people who once cared for one another to stop communicating.

If you ever stopped communicating with a good friend, this story may enlighten you to understand that good friendships never die. If it's meant to be, your paths will cross when you least expect.

Sometimes it takes an extreme event to bring old friends who have lost touch back together. If they are sincere friends, they will rekindle their friendship when an external event brings them back together. I never imagined that the way I would be reunited with two good friends would be at a funeral.

I lost my first friend because of a failure to communicate. We met in the mid 90’s and we had a lot in common. We both liked the outdoors, we liked to take care of ourselves and lead healthy lives. We were both single and eager to find a good woman to settle down with. We had different backgrounds, which added some interest to the male bonding relationship, as we shared and respected our differing attitudes towards life.

We were also both creative men and that creativity inspired one another with various things in life that we both got involved with. We shared a lot of information. If one of us would discover a new way to invest in stocks, for example, it was fun sharing that information with the other. If either of us found something on the Internet that might be helpful, we’d share it with the other. We were always available to one another should the other need help with anything that came up.

What went wrong?

We were both in a singles group that was run by a mutual female friend. I actually joined the group when it was first forming and became good friends with everyone in it. It turned out to be such an unusual circle of friends as we were all so much in tune with one another in every way imaginable. We got along so well and kept bringing in more and more friends of similar caliber.

I invited my friend to join the rest of us at one of our events and he was immediately accepted into the group as everyone saw the same thing I saw, that he was a fellow of great esteem. The kind of person we all welcomed into the group.

He also seemed to like everyone since it was conducive to his active lifestyle. We were into organizing hikes, trips to museums, field trips, social activities around town, etc.

We had a web site that I programmed, maintained and hosted for the purpose of keeping a free flowing growth of like-minded people. The web site had a mailing list with the e-mail addresses of all the members that was used to send notifications to everyone about events and alerts of cancellations.

This lasted a number of years but one day my friend asked me to remove him from the mailing list because he didn’t want to have anything to do with the group anymore. We had a discussion about his reasons and that didn’t go very well. He never made it clear to me what was on his mind. I took it as his desire to no longer be friends with anyone in the group, including me.

I removed him from the mailing list as he had requested, and from that day on, we hardly spoke. I can’t remember when exactly the phone calls stopped. But it grinded to a halt and it was like we just were no longer friends. I didn’t call him and he never called me. It stopped on both ends.

Funny thing is that others in the group continued to invite him to parties and he would accept. I know because I saw him at these parties. That confused me even more about his intentions. I had no idea what he really wanted. Was it just a passing phase that he didn’t want to be involved anymore with our circle of friends? I never asked him and we never spoke about it whenever we ran into one another. We just acted congenial whenever we met.

I had a second friend who I had met in our social group several years earlier. He had dated one woman in the group and she invited him to join the rest of us on a hike. He was very sociable, friendly and intelligent. Three reasons why everyone welcomed him into the group with open arms.

As I got to know him through various social events, we became very good friends. I discovered that he was a very caring person toward his family as well as towards all his friends and acquaintances. He was and still is a very special person to be alive on this planet.

What went wrong?

He was going through a lot in his life and once sent me an email stating that that he no longer wanted to be contacted.

Well, when someone says they don’t want to be my friend, I leave them alone. I did however leave an open door for him by replying to his e-mail with a short simple statement stating that should he ever want to communicate, I’d be there. He never called. Other friends have said they ran into him at one place or another. But he never called and I respected his wishes.

One day a mutual friend told me that he said he saw me at a concert. He told her I looked right at him and didn’t say hello. I wasn’t at any concerts recently and I asked what concert it was, but she didn’t know. That left me wondering what was on his mind. I thought about calling him. But I stopped myself. I remembered his request and also that I had left the door open should he want to reply someday. Since he didn’t, I decided to let it go, knowing that he obviously saw someone who looked like me. I have no idea how far apart this person was from him, but I imagine he mistook him for me since it must have been a distance in the bleaches or whatever it was.

We are all getting older and life is short. One by one, we all are losing our beloved family members. It's at times like this when we remember lost friends who are still alive and imagine ways how to find an old friend.

This week the mother of a wonderful female friend of mine had passed away. She was struggling with her Mom's poor health for quite some time. Recently she had moved her parents closer so that she could take better care of them, as they were both in poor health.

I had attended the memorial service and as I was consoling her and having her introduce me to her Dad, I noticed my two long lost friends way back on the other side of the room. Finding old friends under these circumstances was the last thing I would have thought of.

When I had my chance, I worked my way through the room to the corner where they were chatting and said hello.

We chatted for over an hour about all the new things that were happening in our mutual lives. Life goes on and there was so much to share. Good things, bad things. Wonderful things. Terrible things. Losses. Major losses. Lost loves and health issues that we all deal with from time to time. We were catching up but most of all, we were bonding again. Friends bonding at a funeral. Imagine.

Our mutual friend, the one who's mother died, overheard at one point when we were clearly stating our intentions to one another about making an effort at rekindling the friendship. She was in a state of grief and yet she was pleased to overhear what she heard. For it was she and she alone who kept in contact with all us lost soles.

We all showed obvious interest in one another. We asked questions and listened intently to the answers. Both of these good friends showed a sincere interest in my life and I was glad to finally have the opportunity to ask them what was going on in their lives.

We weren't there for one another when they may have needed me or when I may have needed them. We had that before. We were all a family, which in many ways is better than related families.

A well-known friendship saying needs repetition here..."You can select your friends, but you can’t select your family." That’s why it’s so important to hold on to your good friends and don’t let miscommunication destroy good friendships. I can add my own quote about friendship now..."Friendships never die."

As we had this time to bond all over again, it was as if no time had passed. It was like nothing negative had ever happened. It was like yesterday. Except for one thing that needed to be said that wouldn’t have been necessary in any other case. I told them that we should stay in touch. I told them that we shouldn’t have the silence anymore. They both agreed and they proved that they felt the same way by exchanging updated contact information.

My final thought is that we sometimes misjudge or misinterpret the reasons for other people’s actions. We may think we know it all and fall into a bind as we think they are being silly. Or worse...we take it personally. But I assure you they have their reasons and it may not always be as it appears on the surface. Sometimes we just need to accept those decisions others make and not feel threatened by it and not shut them out. Of course it was a two-way street, either of us could have called the other if we wanted to.

We will find the friends we lost someday just by continuing to be out there in the world. Helping other friends, going to social affairs, and attending functions that may not be pleasant but important to another friend. You'll never know when your paths cross again. But it's a small world.

Copyright © 2010 Glenn Stok

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