Understanding Men With Commitment Issues

Men have various reasons for failing to make a commitment to get married. Many people say it's a fear of commitment. But there's another side to it if you want a better understanding of men with commitment issues.

I agree that a fear of commitment applies to commitment phobic men. But what about men who have no trouble at all committing to other things in life, such as making a good home, helping other people, working on their carrier, etc. Do they have a fear of a love relationship?

Or is something stupid getting in the way of their thinking? They get stuck with their own stubbornness and end up losing a good opportunity with a great person.

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I was in relationships were I became frustrated with one thing or another. Sometimes for good reasons where there were real red flags. But there were also times when I was unwilling to recognize the quality of the woman I was with. Because of that, I lost out on what might have been the wonderful life-long relationship that I always wanted.

For example, one girlfriend was still living with her parents at the age of 37. We had a close relationship with mutual love and understanding. We appreciated our strengths as well as our weaknesses. I felt like it was a safe haven being with her. We were discussing the possibility of marriage. But I wanted to see how she would function living on her own first. I wanted to be sure that she knew how to take care of herself in the world.

How silly I was. Looking back on it now, I realize that I never considered all the ways in which she had already proven that she was world-savvy. And anyway, who cares if she didn’t learn certain things living at home. She can learn later. We all continue to learn new things throughout life anyway.

After all, when I started out on my own at the age of 20, I remember how quickly I picked up knowledge of the three C’s…cooking, cleaning and caring for myself. I noticed how quickly dust appears from nowhere and in no time I understood the importance of keeping a clean home. I discovered, early on, that cooking leaves residue on the kitchen floor and it needs to be mopped regularly.

As for cooking, I remember when I first cooked rice and didn’t realize how much it expands. I ended up making enough rice for a whole week! The point is that anyone can pick up on this knowledge in no time.

As for this wonderful girlfriend, we had several discussions about my need to see how she functioned on her own. I explained how I thought that she should live on her own first. She wondered why she just couldn’t move in with me direct from her parents.

She didn’t feel that it made any difference living on her own first. I was being stubborn about it and the relationship eventually ended. Looking back on it now, I realize I was being silly. The next guy she dated recognized how special she was and married her.

I was really being silly. You know how hindsight is 20-20? Well, now I look back on that experience and I think how great it would have been teaching her things she didn’t know. What difference did it make that she may be lacking some real-world skills? Why should that have mattered? Why didn’t I think that way then?

For that matter, she really wasn’t lacking anything! What Was I Thinking? I wasn’t considering all the wonderful things I had already learned about her. She knew enough to pay attention to other people’s needs. I saw that with how she helped her friends, her parents, and yes, even me. She took the time to go out and get things for people when she saw they needed something. She was attentive to my needs by her own observation. No request ever had to be made. It was simply natural for her.

When there are good things going on with your partner and you know in your heart that you have a quality relationship, don’t let minor issues appear to be red flags that you are just making up in your own mind.

The fact that my girlfriend lived at home at the age of 37 was really not a red flag at all. I just made it into one. I somehow forgot about all the wonderful things I already knew about her, while I was stubbornly focusing on my silly need to see her living on her own first.

I was able to think of these things clearly years after we broke up. Realizing that it really didn’t matter if she lived on her own or not because she had all the necessary qualities anyway. But it was too late. I was simply not allowing myself to be emotionally available and aware at the time when it would have mattered.

So what are the lessons here?

We should consciously be paying attention to everything that’s good about our mate and the relationship in general.

We shouldn’t overlook the quality of our mate. Because if we do, we may end up focusing on the unpleasant things and make those things more serious than they are.

If we don't ever learn from this we might continue to let silly things that don't really matter always stand in our way.

Copyright © 2009 Glenn Stok

See a list of all Glenn Stok's relationship articles

Ladies: Help your boyfriend understand his issues with the author's book "What Was I Thinking? A Review Of Relationships"

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