Something Is Missing In My Relationship
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Why do we often get involved with someone who doesn't quite fulfill our needs?
I'll try to help you discover the answer so you can fix that problem.
When something is missing in a relationship we tend to hold off with making a permanent commitment to that relationship.
You may still live, love, and laugh. But you may both feel some emptiness. You may feel so unsettled by it that you fail to communicate about the issues. Especially if what's missing is some strong need that you may be ignoring.
Some people think we are commitment phobic. In reality we have no problem building and holding on to long-term relationships. But these relationships go nowhere. Something important is missing. It's a strong need. Something we don't want to be without.
It’s important to know what this strong need is. And we need to either accept not having it, or recognize that we can’t live without it and stop wasting time with an unsuitable partner if it's not contributing to the life we want.
Give this some thought...
Do you end up always feeling that something is missing but you can't quite figure out what it is? Do you have a strong need for something that’s so important that you can’t imagine living without it?
That might be what's standing in the way. But to have a better relationship you have to know what it is. It may be helpful for you to get in touch with it.
Not knowing what you feel deep inside to be an absolute necessity can cause you to keep searching for a perfect partner in vain. And you'll never know what’s preventing your success for a healthy relationship. You’ll end up going from partner to partner without fully involving yourself in the relationship. Does this sound like the pattern of your life?
Find What's Missing wIth Communication and Trust
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If you find someone with whom you share the same understanding, someone who you can appreciate for what he or she is, and you trust one another…then you’ll find it easier to get involved emotionally, and you’ll know it. Better yet, you’ll feel it.
Use that trust and understanding to discuss the issues you might be having. An honest and open communication will help you both work on a compromise and find solutions to relationship problems. If nothing else, at least it may help you both recognize the limits of the relationship and accept it or avoid throwing away years with an incompatible partner.
There Are Two Concepts of Availability
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Are you available? There are two concepts of availability . One concept of availability is giving your full emotional attention to the relationship you are in. The other is recognizing when you are in an undesirable relationship and having the courage to move on, to be available when the right one comes along.
Both concepts are equally important. One way or the other...
Of course you want to work on your relationship, and therefore you need to pay attention to it. Paying attention helps the relationship grow and helps you make a permanent commitment.
Paying attention also helps you discover if you’re in an undesirable relationship that doesn’t fit with your life plan. That leads you to the other concept of availability. You become available, or free, to get out there again and hopefully find a better match.
Focus On What's Really Important
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Okay, we need to be emotionally available to commit to a permanent relationship. There are two sides to this. If we don’t recognize when we are with someone who is not right for us, but we stay anyway for any of a number of reasons, for sex, or for companionship, or a travel partner, whatever…then we are not allowing ourselves to become available for the right one.
Looking back on my experiences, I have noticed that I have had relationships where we just never shared our dreams with one another. Do you do that in your relationships?
We would just let time go by and enjoy being together, but we did not work at anything that created growth or movement towards a goal…the goal of marriage. Why I kept finding women who were so patient, I do not know. I must have been subconsciously selecting patient women who just went along with being in a relationship but not making a future of it.
We were fooling ourselves. We were in a relationship, but we didn’t examine any plans for a future. There was physical intimacy but no emotional intimacy.
Learning what the common needs are and sharing this knowledge works only when we have open communication and emotional availability.
What blocks us from emotional availability and commitment? I found, in my case, that I was not getting in touch with my own needs and those of my partner, and not understanding her reason for her own needs.
We can only become emotionally and mentally available when we stay in touch with what’s going on, and differentiate between what we are imagining to be lacking, and what is really a wonderful discovery to have and to hold. We need to focus on what is really important. We need to know when we are wasting time in an unacceptable relationship and we need to have the wherewithal to end it.
Then when we do find ourselves in a wonderful relationship, we need to be available to the concept that this is the one and that we want the relationship forever.
We’ll know that it’s right because we’ll accept that person as they are…with all their issues, their fears, their uncertainties, and their anxieties. We are all human and none of us are perfect. Those things will always be part of any human being to some degree. Accepting all this should help us with the effort of making a lasting commitment.
I questioned myself many times about why I was lacking emotional availability and rejecting some girlfriends without making a commitment. I hope I gave you some enlightenment into this issue.
Copyright © 2009 Glenn Stok
Ladies: You may want to get the author's book "What Was I Thinking? A Review Of Relationships" for your boyfriend. If he is unsure of himself, he may get clear-headed after reading it...
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 | An insightful discussion with inspiration for those who want to settle down but never can commit to marriage. Amazon Price: $12.88 List Price: $13.95 |
What do you think about all this?Loading...
SEO IT!, We all see things differently as time goes on. I could not have written my book 20 years ago as that is when I was making all the mistakes. That's why I call it "What Was I Thinking?" I wish you success with working on reconciling your relationship. If you loved him then, you'll respect him now for what he is. If that makes any sense. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I suggested this hub as a link using the phrase "communication in a relationship" under my article, Understanding Relationship Communication. I like the things that you mentioned here about making a commitment and moving forward. Have a great week!
Tina, Thanks for mentioning my hub. I'll plan to look over a number of your hubs as I saw you write many interesting and useful articles.
Great article. Isn't it interesting how much wiser we are and how our priorities change as time goes by?
Delaney Knows, yes indeed! I appreciate your insight as to what I was trying to say here. Thanks.
Glenn - thanks for writing what you have - i think there needs to be more awareness about love and compatability. I have recently ended a 5 year on/off relationship (l wqas the one turning 'off') which ended in marriage but l moved out within 4 months. I had (have) a very strong emotional connection with my (ex) partner but it always felt like there was something not quite right which l cld never put my finger on - if l tried to put a tick list toigether of what l wanted from a relationship, she would have ticked every box but somewhere in my heart and deeper emotions there was something not gelling and l felt l couldnt'give' fully to the relationship. It has takend me almost a year to come to terms with this - l am a very honest person with strong values and l would NEVER have expected to walk out of a marriage but i just FELT l couldnt 'do' the relationship. I have now come to the conclusion that with any relationship, if you have to think about it too much then it is almost certainly not the one for you. It must be a question of whether your HEART wants it - if you're thinking from your head about it too much then this is not a good foundation for a future together and it doesnt matter how much you want it from your will or mind, that wont change your heart. In the lyrics of James Morrison in 'Too Late'.....'you cant feel anythin your heart dont want to feel...'
Richi ~ I understand what you are going through. I seem to have functioned on the same level as you, which is why I wrote so many Hubs on relationships, as well as the relationship book I published.
It seems we are disconnected from our heart's desire much to often. And we give too much thought to the issues rather than just allowing ourselves to accept a relationship as is.
By thinking too much about it we find all the reasons why it's no good. Sometimes that may be important to do. But if we do it all the time we end up missing out on spending a life with someone special.
Thanks for reading and for your insightful comments.
A great thought provoking hub. Relationships can be difficult for many reasons. I experienced marrying someone I thought I knew and communicated with only to realize many years later that I didn't really know this person. Discovered that since I was very open about what was important to me that he either intentionally or subconsciously mirrored what was important to me. Women are often very guilty of doing the same thing such as pretending an interest in something that doesn't interest them at all just because their boyfriend likes it.
GClark, That is very interesting and insightful. That is done by both men and women. It's sad that there are relationships where the parties involved never really get to know one another, or understanding what the other is reacting to. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for posting this. Sometimes, when we find that there is something missing in our relationships; its important that we don't leave these ideas dormant. We should think them through and ask ourselves questions of whether we are happy and what we would like to happen in our relationship. We do this all the time at work; where we judge where we are heading as an organization. Similarly, at home we should see if our values as individuals are being met as well as a married couple being met through our union. Its kind of like having a reflective moment from time to time to see if you are both headed in the direction that you want to be taking. Thats important. Your hub post was thorough and a delight to read. I wished most people would take the advice of follow hubbers. We can learn so much from life if we read material like this. Relationships are to be savored. Thank you so much.
Jeyaramd, you comment was very insightful and very informative. In addition your review of my hub was very kind of you. Thank you.
I really liked this hub. You are very honest and open which I think will help a lot of people.
I liked your concept of "available."
This hub made me think of how important it is to resolve the relationships we have within before we can expect to resolve any relationship issues internally. This is part of the reason why I am so interested in dreams. I find dreams set the stage and perform these inner relationships for us.
It is powerful to discover that what is going on within us really affects our social environment. When we are not honest with ourselves, we simply have trouble connecting with others and being genuine.
Your book looks interesting. I find books about the mistakes people have made who are honest enough to share with them the world are the best books to read!
Sue, That concept of availability I had learned from a therapist. It took a while for him to get me to understand it. Thank you so much for your kind comments about this Hub. I'm glad you find my book interesting. Not sure if you picked up a copy or if you are referring to the Amazon description. If you don't have it, I'll give you a copy at the next HubMeet next month.
Glenn- You hit on some interesting points. Fruedian thinking leads me to believe that sometimes it is also quite deeper than this article leads one to believe, Often one can not merge into relationships because of a pain inflicted upon us in the past through a past hurt or abuse, be it emotional or physical. Seemingly innocent and unrelated we often project ones feelings anew as if relected back on ourselves- like a mirror- hoping that in the replaying of the story one can ensure a different and positive ending.
Barbara, Thanks so much for your insightful explanation. Yes, that is very true. We tend to repeat our "life story" over and over hoping that somewhere along the way it works, to achieve a different and positive ending, as you put it. Psychologists explain this as repeating our mistakes until we get healed from the pain inflicted upon us in the past.
Your comment is a very important addition to the understanding of this situation. There is so much to it that I wrote other articles on the subject as well. Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate your input.
SEO IT! Level 2 Commenter 2 years ago
Wow. This hub really hit home. After 19 years of marriage, things came to a screeching halt and when we reconciled a few months later, the biggest issue was honoring each other's values. We're working on it and through it, but I have to say that we could not have done so 10 years ago and I'm not recommending that people put themselves through the same situation. I needed to read this 20 years ago, but the kicker is that if I had, I would have discounted it. At 19, all that mattered was "looooooove..." Great excerpt! I think many people will benefit from it.