Why Friends Don't Listen When I Try To Help Them?

Do you get frustrated when you try to help friends who don’t listen?

I discovered that there are two kinds of people...

Those who listen and do nothing, they never follow up and they never succeed at accomplishing anything.

Then there are those who not only listen, they want to do more. They study beyond my own mentoring and they advance their lives.

This is a discussion about why people don’t follow good advice and would rather make their lives miserable.

I get frustrated when I watch friends go downhill just after I give them advice that can help them avoid problems developing in their lives.

They ignore the advice and my predictions come true. That is what's so frustrating. I actually told them what negative outcome would develop and they let it happen anyway. Have you had that experience with friends?

There is nothing that can be done for these people and many times I need to back off and sadly watch them sink deeper into trouble. But I think that’s what they want, as I’ll explain with a couple of examples.

Some people set themselves up to fail. I don’t know why. But I can tell you this. These people will never listen to a friend giving advice because they are somehow programmed to continue their path to failure. This is what I have noticed by personal observation.

And between you and me, I know some people who don’t even do that. They just let their lives deteriorate. They don’t do anything to improve their lives or to solve problems in their lives. They don’t give it any thought. Are these people conscious of their reality?

I think they see their reality differently from how we see it. We are looking into their lives from the outside with the clarity of being somewhat uninvolved.

They are on the inside observing things as they wish it would be with their own personal boundaries. They are obviously totally involved in their own affairs, so they tend to distort the image to suit their own needs. Unfortunately, this creates a really big negative effect that can’t be overcome so easily.

We can only guide them by telling them what they need to do. You can lead a horse to water… you know the saying.

We can show them the direction, but they need to start by taking responsibility for their own path. It’s not easy to let someone know they are potentially making a mistake. They would just become defensive and prove a point by cutting off their own nose in spite. With their narcissistic traits they will never recognize the failure of their ways.

Example:

I had a friend who has diabetes. He likes to walk around barefoot. He also has an anger management problem and tends to break things. I put two and two together in my own mind and realized that with the diabetes he can get gangrene if he steps on something and gets an infection.

I knew that he has no feeling in his feet, so I told him one day that he should not go barefoot since he can step on something. He refuses to pick up things that he breaks. I had that discussion once with him. He says it’s not his responsibility since someone else brings out his anger. But I explained that with his diabetes he can lose a foot.

His ex-wide gave him slippers and he was so upset that people are telling him what to do that he refused to wear them. One day he threw something at the wall. It shattered with pieces falling to the floor.

Another day he stepped on the debris, got an infection which was not detected, and ended up having his foot amputated.

Sad story, but true, and it made my point… Read my last paragraph again just before this example.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If someone knows they are responsible for their own failures, they can easily adjust their behavior and plan a new strategy to correct the path of their life.

But if they are in refusal mode and they don’t recognize or accept that they made mistakes, they will have a problem with correcting them.

One reason I noticed that people don’t listen is because, for some reason, they lack the skills necessary to think about a problem they may have and plan a solution. They are stuck with their inability to solve problems.

Even when telling them how to solve their problem, they refuse to take the advice and to take action.

People are frightened of change. Many are unwilling to change or to try something different. Sad to say, I see this attitude with friends who are going nowhere since their present way of doing things just isn't working. But they come up with excuses and they argue that it's because if other reasons beyond their control. I call this denial.

Example:

I know someone else who had an accounting business. She complained about the lack of clients and she told me that she won’t be able to pay the office rent in a few more months.

She had come to me for mentoring in the past and I had a history of giving her advice. I knew she was a hoarder and she had bags of junk all over the floor in her office and on the chair next to her desk.

I realize that hording is a serious illness, and I am not equipped with the knowledge to handle it right. But I told her she would lose her business if she continues down this path of denial.

I predicted that if she can't pay the office rent, as she said, that she would end up losing the business. In order to try to help, I gave her a chunk of reality to try to wake her up...

I told her that her lack of clients is due to the office environment. (I tell it like it is). I explained that anyone who comes in would walk right out again, thinking, “How could she do my taxes if she can’t even keep an orderly office?”

Then I asked her if she knew she was a hoarder. Surprisingly, she said, “Yes.” So I told her it would be in her best interest if she would seek out profession help with that. I asked her to do that for herself before the important accounting season of January thru April.

She refused to accept what I suggested. Her argument was that everyone is using TurboTax today and that’s why she had no clients.

Tax season came and went. She had no clients. She couldn’t pay the rent. Her landlord evicted her. She lost her business.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are many reasons why people don’t listen. I think people will make time for the things they value. I know I do.

My friend who lost his foot didn’t value his own life. I really have to believe that. The accountant didn’t value her business. I really have no clue why. But let me share a few ideas I have about why they don't listen in the first place.

They have a fear of success:

This is a known one. I can think of things I’ve avoided for fear of success. But it’s really fear of the unknown, as far as I can tell. Whenever I avoided something early in life, it was because I didn’t know the outcome.

But lucky for my personal development, somewhere along the way I started to notice that I always came out alright. So that gave me the courage to get involved in new and unknown things once I reached my mid twenties. Oh, enough about me.

The main problem I see with people who fear success is that they are hoping it will all work out anyway, all by itself. One way or the other.

Denial interferes with the ability to act rationally.

I had a female friend who told me her boyfriend proposed to her. From a previous discussion with him, I knew that he was going to want to live off her money. I warned her against marrying him. I even reminded her that she overheard the way he was talking. Yes, she was there. But she was in denial and refused to believe the truth.

A month after the wedding she called me, crying, and said they had a fight. When I asked what happened, she told me he wanted her to pay all the bills since they are living in her apartment. That was his reasoning.

They have no clue of time span. These are the same people who are always late. Have you ever noticed that people who arrive late and keep people waiting also never succeed in achieving something that’s important to them in their lives?

In order to accomplish tasks, we need to have a clear vision of how long it will take. Then we need to plan each step to fit the allotted time available.

If we ignore the problem and just let time pass, or if we don’t clearly figure out how long it will take to get from where we are now to where we need to get, then we are doomed for failure.

I see this problem with some friends who say they understand what I’m telling them to do. They tell me that they appreciate what I’m telling them. They even agree that it sounds like a solution to their dilemma. The only problem is, the next time I talk with them, they still haven’t started and the end is near. No need to tell you what’s the end. Whatever you imagine is fine for understanding my point.

They want approval for doing things wrong:

I think this is the worst of all. An acquaintance I’ve known through my social circles once called and asked for help. She said she is being arrested.

I asked for details so that I can know how to help her. She explained that her boyfriend broke up with her and that she was calling him several times a day and texting him every hour asking for an explanation. He had put out a restraining order and she continued. So he put out a warrant for her arrest. I don’t know for sure how these things work, but that’s how she explained it to me.

I responded with one simple question. I said, “I need to understand something, do you want me to help you?”

The reason why I asked that question is because of the serious nature of the situation. I needed to be sure that she indeed wanted help. She said she did.

So I proceeded to tell her what to do. I said, “Just stop. Stop calling him. Stop texting him. Stop thinking about him. Stop and move one.”

She was extremely disappointed with me. She said she was hoping I would defend her and support her feelings. Instead she felt that I was attacking her.

Oh, feelings. I feel for her. I feel for all my friends who don’t listen and suffer because of it. Don’t you? I have love and compassion when it fits. But when times are tough and they are going down hill, I believe in tough love.

If that fails, there has to be a time when we must back off and realize they don’t want help. They want what they are creating for their own life. Whatever that may be.

I told this woman, “I’m so sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you wanted help. But I understand now that all you really want is support for failure. Only friends can help you. But what you need is an enemy. They will be glad to support your failure.”

I would love to hear from you, my valued reader. Share any experiences you have had or any additional ideas why people don't listen to sound advice. I've explained a few of my ideas. If you have a clue, chime in with your comments below.

Copyright © 2011 Glenn Stok

★★★ Get to know the author... See Glenn Stok's profile ★★★

Google+